Aim: Writing a Blog

Labels: humour

I saw this somewhere and i had to share it with you all. It is the best nutshell hindi movie.

as the say istyle

Labels: humour

DISCLAIMER: This is a recreation of the events that may or may not have happened. Any resemblance of a character to any person dead or alive is purely unintentional and coincidental.


I am not Shakespeare. But then i dont need to be one to write this post. Normally, I am the kind of guy who would sit through a important lecture in rapt attention. But this one day, i was really tired. It was the last period and we had just come back from games and to make matters worst it was sucking biology. With nothing better to do i decided to look around and check what other students were up to when the atmosphere was so soporific.


As soon as we arrived back from games some guys and some girls made a dash for the last benches. The fight was over in a jiffy and the losers retreated to find the next best thing to last benches. The lecture began and the last-benchers had already dozed off. Shockingly this list included Aradhana - a very keen bio student and one of the toppers.


Five minutes into the class and a war had already started. The two armies were located at the left and right flanks of the class. The Maratha regiment was led by Albert and the Gorkha tigresses by Rajkumari. The weapons used were paper bombs and planes. Because of their limited stocks, chalks were sparingly used but they inflicted maximum damage on the opposition.


Hiding their Barron's and flash-cards under their notebooks were a group of wannabe toppers.
It included Sharma - The broken hearted phoenix and Saurav sen - the Jadoo.(remember that hrithik film on alien)
Behind them sat Jayanta- the complete muggu and Vineet - the so called maths genius.
and behind them sat a group of hardcore oglers , BND and Y.S. ,currently preoccupied in ogling at a (pun intended )supermodel, and a silent baruah. (Vineet was shuttling between pleasing(let your imagination run wild) Jayanta and engaging with this duo.)

Occupying the first bench was a Baniya who tried to show how great she was but actually making us vomit.
Behind her sat the parrot, Banu (doubtanu) - whose doubts never ceased such that she herself was a doubt. :P
At the extreme right sat Wahid and his gang. (the RAW has an easy way to prevent any terror attacks by contacting him straight away. He is the bomb maker who uses chalk powder to deliver a powerful concoction of deadly bombs)

At the last Myself and Bitopan who were engrossed in dissecting the latest news in town and movie world while engaging in the ongoing fight by providing valuable strategical outputs.

Till then even R. Tiger the teacher hadnt lasted. She was already showing her skills in teaching by sleeping and giving the lecture at the same time.(I say no one can match her)

Labels: humour

Its a common phenomenon to see anything of the magnitude of frequency of aishwarya's fart is also characterized as breaking news these days. (welcome to the world of 21 st century news reporting)

Not some two years i remember when we busting our asses on class X my completely screwed up bunch of friends reportedly consisting of Reepan "reeps", Jyotirmoy "monkey- man" launched a new news channel "Raj Tak- bringing You Breaking News at the speed of Indian Police"

n Yesterday my screwed up brain on reportedly being over tortured with daily wtf news on India TV(which as far as i kno is new name of Aaj Tak)...decided to write a piece on the kind of news reported that have become as common as the knowlegde that our national politics is a big piece of stinking shit.

Here's a piece of priceless excerpts...

Over Enthusiastic Journalist (OJ) - "I'm reporting live from a house in Dadar, Mumbai, where an old woman is desperately searching for her dentures in her very own house. This old woman has been living with her husband in this flat all her life. Their loneliness might be due to their cowardly children leaving home because they didn't want the responsibility. There is also a big possibility of the husband being too impotent to have children in the first place. Back to the studio."

Some Anchor on the Studio (SAS) - "OJ... what is the current situation.. what are we looking at here? What is the woman saying, will the dentures be used in the eventuality of them being found?"

OJ - "Well, SAS, I haven't been able to get a confirmation on this but I'm pretty sure the dentures are going to be used for chewing and biting... I repeat, chewing and biting. Mainly food and old newspapers.

SAS - "Well... that is shocking news indeed. For our viewers that have just joined us, we are bringing to you live, the story of a old woman in Dadar in Mumbai who is looking for her dentures in her house. OJ... what is the latest information you can give us?

OJ - "SAS, We have evidence to believe that the woman is still looking for her dentures. I repeat, she is still looking for her dentures. We will now speak to her possibly impotent husband about the progress on finding the dentures.

Sir.. what can you tell us about the dentures? Where all has she looked in the house?

Possible Impotent Man Prakash (PIMP) - "Mmm.. uhh.. my byph.. has been looking for her dentures in our toilet... mm... the bedroom... mm... I'm having trouble talking because of severe dysarthria... mm..."

OJ - "Sir... are those teeth real or have you stolen your wife's dentures as your neighbors are speculating?"

PIMP - "What?! mm... NONSENSE... mm... My teeth are my own... dentures. These are all lies! Lies I tell you!"

OJ - "Sir, one last question. Is it true that you have not been able to wag the shag in the last fifteen years?"

PIMP - "mm.. ?"

OJ - "Oh for goodness sake ARE YOU IMPOTENT?"

PIMP - "Wah... WHAT.. WHAT NONSENSE... ack... my... heart.."

OJ - "Well SAS it seems that more than one organ malfunctions in the old man's body."

SAS - "That's... shocking... really... shocking... We will now get you live feedback on the situation from Mr Mahesh Bhatt. Mr Bhatt... what are your views on the inability of the old woman to find her dentures."

Mahesh Bhatt - "SAS, let me clarify one thing that I have always.. in my entire life.. found toothless old women sexy. In fact, my next film, we will break my grandmother's teeth and make her wear a bikini. You see... a woman's toothlessness is the way to her heart. I used to smash my granny's teeth all the time. I hope the film is a smash hit... like my granny's face.. because you see the idiosyncrasy of the woman's dentures has a profound effect on.."

SAS - "THIS JUST IN... THIS JUST IN... THE OLD WOMAN HAS MANAGED TO LOCATE THE DENTURES.. OJ... what can you tell us about this recent update?"

OJ - "SAS... we have just received a update from the official spokesperson for the old woman's house. Actually, it’s just the Nepalese watchman but Official Spokesperson sounds much more trustworthy. Thapaji... Aap hume kya bata sakte hain?"
Thapa (Thapa) - "ooo.. wooo boodiya kooo daath.. milgayaiiiii.. who mera saamne.. daath ko mooh mein daalla iii.. ooooo.. aaaa.."

OJ - "There you have it SAS.. confirmation that the old woman HAS IN FACT managed to locate her dentures."

SAS - "That's shocking.. truly shocking.. joining us to discuss and deliberate on this issue.. and because they have nothing better to do in life.. Mr Jaddhav Thackeray, Mr Mahesh Bhatt, and for some inexplicable reason, Ms Dia Mirza."


this piece as far as the writer's knowledge is inspired from the bombay attacks reporting(like the news of India Tv are inspired by youtube)

Labels: humour

I actually planned to launch dis blog on 1st jan...but cudnt..but i give you two posts for today...

ABC of me

A
for the anda
- Age: Jaise ladkiyo se nahi puchhte unki wages,
Ladko se bhi na poocho, ai zaalim, unki ages...
- Animal: Only if I was 10 feet taller, I'd bloody resemble a giraffe. Ummm you could say I'm a short giraffe!
- Anger: Only when someone takes my hanger! Na na, Just kiddin'. You don't even need to do that.
- Alcohol: Methanol, Ethanol, Propanol etc etc! Dekha I know it alls!

B
for the banda
-Birthday: I don't believe in birthdays!
-Believe in yourself?: Naaa!! I'm just a myth!
-Been in love: I thought only humans 'fell' in love. Never knew beans suffered the same disorder.
-Best weather: Arre this damn weather. Ok, a poem for weather on this very note. (Not the currency wala note you greedy pig)

Whether oh weather,
Whether you weather,
My love for you O weather,
Like shoes of hard leather,
Shall never ever weather.

-Believe in miracles: Toone meri beliefs ka thheka le rakha hai be.

-Believe in God: Only.

-Believe in Santa: Nopes. I think banta's the better guy.

C
for samundra
- Colour: Bloody racist! Hum bharateey hain. No color caste creed sex etc matters.! Oops.. maybe sex does (Dirty mind)..

- Chocolate/Vanilla: Vanilla khaayein mere dushman! Woh to sasti hoti hai!

- Coffee: Bas ab caaffee ho gayi. Summer's here dudes!

- Chinese/Italian: None! What do you take me for? A Cannibal!

- Cake or pie: Dude! Comparing cake and pie is like .. like.. comparing pie and cake man! I mean there's no comparison. Don't ask ze foolish questions.

- Cooking: Do I look like a pressure cooker. Well, I've been wondering. If a cook cooks food, what does a pressure cooker cook? Pressure? Hey wait wait wait.. Do you mean there's a pressure cooker inside our stomachs!?

D
for danda
- Day or Night: As far as I think both exist. Where is the point of conflict ?

- Danced: Apahij

- Dance in the rain?: Oh my gawd! My delicate clothes shall get wet! Don't dare think on such preposterous lines.

- Drugs: Love em! But couldn't ever have um. It all started when I went to a drug store once and I found only medicines! In my mind I thought 'Weird' and then I said 'Weird'.

E
for imli
- Everyone has a: desire for mani.. Oops I mean money!

- Eyes: None. I'm deaf, dumb and blind. This is a braille keyboard. Hello braille keyboard.

F
for funda
- Full name: Konse full ka naam batau? Gulab? Chameli? Champa? Sab pata hai mujhe, sab aata hai.

- First crush: Kala Khatta! Juhu beach.

- First thoughts waking up: What is the purpose of this life? Who am I? What am I for? What is this 'I'? How did I come into existance? Is all this real? Why am I thinking all this? How shall I answer these questions? Is this the right question? Do I like asking questions?

G
for ganda
- Greatest Fear: Fear

- Greatest Strenght: Chapaaaaat padega to samajh ayega

H
for hottori honzo! (ref: Kill Bill)
- Hair Colour: Depends. Which hair.

- Hate: to Hate.


I
for india
- Interests: Loan dene ke interest charge karta hu. Only 2.5% pa. Click here to apply now.

- Insanity: Perfect insan. Madad karna, ache karam karna, daan dena, vidya lena, pooja karna, satya uchaarna. Aur kya karega insan.

- Impulsive: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

J
for jhanda

- Job: Jobless.

K
for kaanda (pyaaz)

- Kids: 31.19 (All secret)

L
for ladaku vimaan
- Letter: Letter pe sher arz kiya hai...
Jinke dil mil jaate hain weh khat nahi likhte,
Jinke dil mil jaate hain weh khat nahi likhte,
Ab to e-mail ka zamana hai.

- Love:
To fall in love is in vain,
for he that falls into it fain,
shall roil away,
in dust and pain.

M
for manda (for example dhanda manda)
- Moron: Yeah. Abhi kam on hai. More on karo! Light bhi on karo. Fan bhi on karo. AC bhi on karo. Sab kuch on karo! Moron!

N
for nanda (mere dost naam)
- Naughty: In what sense? ;) Naughty!


O
for onda (bengali anda)
- One wish: To have no more wishes. Oops I mean nau more wishes!

P
for panda
- Place: Omnipresent.
- Princess: Dude! The word is princesses!
- Prince: Prince detergent tikia aur powder ka zabardast fan!
- Pizza: There are only 2 kinds of pizzas in the world. Cheese pizzas and the rest. Thank you.

Q
for kyu?
- Questionnaires: Questionnaires?

R
- Reason to cry: Anything! But only khushi ke aasoon.
- Reason to smile: Anything! But only khushi ke aasoon.
- Reason to laugh: Anything! But only khushi ke aasoon.

S
- Shoe size: kyun? joote gift dega kya ? Nike Please! US 10
- Smoked?: Cant even touch yaar!
- Sing well?: Ubharta sitaara!
- Single: Jaan kya kare hai?
- Stuffed Animals?: exist only for people with stuffed brains

T
- TV: I dont watch them TV. Them TV watch me!
- Tatoo: for gadhe ke tattoos

U
Umbrella: Nopes. Umbrella karna paap hai.

V
Vanity: In vain.

W
Weakness: You're talking about weakness!!! I feel monthness!

X
X-factor: X-factor? Like X-PM or X-gf ? Kya? 3.424 ? Kya?

Y
Y-factor: Abe yeh blog hai ya equation set?

Z
Zodiac sign: libra..

Labels: humour